In these days of social distancing, we can’t be too confident what we can and cannot do. So, to be sure, I’d like to keep you safe from any possible contamination while you enjoy this column. I’ve asked a household member that’s immune from contracting the Coronavirus (as far as we know) to step in and help.
I asked Louie the Labrador to take over this week, and here’s what been on his mind the last few weeks.
“I’m not quite sure I understand what’s going on, but things have certainly been a little strange around here lately. Usually, my girl and I go for a nice morning walk. Then, I have the run of the house while she goes to see that stupid horse. Sorry Stormy, I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but I hate to share her with anybody. I go anywhere I want, and my only worry is when that vacuum machine turns on every afternoon and travels all around the house. It seems like every time I move to a different room, it follows me. Man, I hate that thing.
“But lately, when we get home, I find that guy in my favorite room. I can still sit on the chair and look outside to make sure things are going smoothly, but this is supposed to be my quiet, alone time.
“Now, I have to put up with loud music in my room as he sits in front of that little box with the light coming from it, tapping on it all day long. I’m not sure, but I keep hearing the same music over and over. I listened to the girl once tell him he’s stuck in 1978, whatever that means.
“Although he never takes me on a walk, he does like to sit with me out on the porch for a few hours every now and then. Except, he’s always got some fire stick in his mouth, and it smells like, well, you know. I hate those things, but there’s no escape for me. I’m collared and leashed, you know.
“I heard from my friend Otto Von BisBark. He’s a tiny Schnauzer the size of my chew toy. His people are starting to get bored and are dressing him in outfits while putting sunglasses on his head. Don’t people know we’re not playthings? I hope my people don’t start doing that to me. Otto said his mug was going to be plastered all over something called ‘Instagram’ and ‘Facebook.’ Don’t people understand we hate getting dressed up in costumes? Haven’t they noticed that every time you see a picture of a dog dressed as Batman, the dog’s tail is never wagging in happiness?
“To be honest, it’s not all that bad. In fact, I’m getting a lot more attention. Lots of belly rubs, plenty of treats and everyone is at my beck and call. In, out, in, out, in, out. I’m loving this. And the foot traffic out in the streets has certainly picked up. My girl walks me every day, but now there are so many other dogs out with their people. There are new smells everywhere.
“If anything, I’m glad they don’t leave me at night anymore. They used to go out by themselves every now and then, but that seems to have stopped. If there’s anything I hate, it’s when they say, ‘Be a good boy and watch the house.’ What do they think I do all day long? Also, I don’t know why other people haven’t been coming over anymore. I get so excited when people visit because that means extra pats on my head, belly rubs, and, most importantly, food thingy’s falling on the floor all the time. I miss that most of all.”
Thanks for filling in, Louie. Please accept my apology. I had no idea you hated cigars.
Stay safe, dear readers.
Paul DiSclafani, a Massapequa resident, is a 2018 Press Club of Long Island award-winning columnist and an Anton Media Group contributor since 2016.