Since becoming a columnist for the Massapequa Observer more than a year ago, I’ve received some very complimentary emails from loyal readers who have enjoyed my weekly thoughts and musings. But last week, I received a desperate email from a reader that really needs my help to preserve his family’s inheritance.
Abbah Abacha is a loyal, online reader from the African country of Nigeria, who is in a terrible situation back home. His father, the late General Sani Abacha, recently passed away and his eldest brother, Muhammad, is being detained by Order of the Federal Government of Nigeria. What makes matters worse, his father left behind $33 million deposited in a Holland security company and the government—the same government that is detaining Muhammad—is trying to steal the money!
How can a mild-mannered, local columnist like me help out Abbah and his family reclaim their fortune you ask? It’s quite simple, actually. They just want to transfer the $33 million into my bank account so that the crooked Nigerian government can’t get their hands on it.
The Abacha family amassed this fortune through years of hard work and shrewd business deals. Now, due to the untimely passing of the General, the Government is looking to steal it from the family and use it to fund their crooked regime. Turns out, the only way for his family to protect the money is to get it out of the country and away from the reach of the corrupt Government officials. That’s where yours truly comes in.
Once the entire family fortune has been transferred out of the country and into the United States, they will create a secret bank account and the money can then be transferred back. Easy-peasy, right? For my trouble, they will pay me handsomely for the temporary use of my bank account, allowing me to keep a percentage before transferring it back.
Now, before you get all high and mighty and think that this whole idea is crazy, hear me out first. It’s not like they are trying to rip me off or asking me for money. The way I see it, they are taking all the risk. How do they know that I will hold up my end of the bargain and transfer it back?
Besides being a loyal reader of this column, Abbah trusts me implicitly. His family has suffered great trauma, humility and deprivation since the death of his father and he needs my help. Abbah wrote that he chose me because “an influential government functionary” gave him my name and assured him of my transparency. I assumed he meant trustworthiness, not my ability to be invisible, but sometimes the English language is difficult for foreigners to master. Of course, I’m not sure I know any influential government functionaries, but with an impassioned endorsement like that, how could I turn him down?
Judging by the tone of his email, there is a great urgency for Abbah to get this done. Choosing to use ALL CAPS, he wrote, “THE URGENCY THIS OFFER DESIRES SHALL BE TREETED WITH ALL PROMPTNESS AS ANY DAY THAT PASSES BY POSSES A BIGGER TREAT. YOU MUST UNDERSTANDE THAT THIS TRANSACTION SHOULD BE TREATED WITH ALL SECRECY, AS IT WILL AMOUNT TO CONIVIANCE IF CONFIDENTIALITY IS NOT MAINTAINED.” Aren’t you glad you live in a country that has spell check?
Once I contact Abbah via email, he will send a representative out to the Security Company in Holland to assist me in completing the transaction. What could be more secure than that?
I’m a little concerned that bank accounts in this country are only insured by the FDIC for $250,000 and I’m not sure what will happen after $33 million is deposited into my account. However, I’m sure I can work something out with the IRS, considering I am helping a very wealthy foreign entity.
Oh wait, I have a joint bank account with my wife. I’m sure I’m going to need her signature when I transfer the money back. Maybe I better let her in on this before I reply to Abbah.
After all, what could possibly go wrong?