Another Birthday, Another Email

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As another birthday approaches, I’m preparing for my annual celebration. This isn’t a milestone birthday mind you, just another tick on the clock as I inch closer to the age the Beatles sang about (When I’m 64) and then onto retirement at 65.

But unfortunately for me, this birthday comes filled with sadness. According to an email I received from a Mr. George Gordon of the Debt Recovery Committee (DRC), I’ve been reported as dead.

Surprised? I was. After all, last time I checked, I wasn’t dead. Maybe I don’t have the vim and vigor I had 20 years ago, but I’m certainly not dead. I still get up and go to work during the week.

What would make Mr. George Gordon of the DRC think that I was dead?

The email explained the DRC was trying to contact me regarding a mandate to recover funds associated with lottery winnings or unclaimed inheritances. You see, the DRC locates the beneficiaries of unclaimed funds ranging from $1 million to $20 million across the globe. Once identified, they submit a listing of names to the appointed officials of local banks for immediate release of the funds.

Apparently, my email address came up as one of the top 15 beneficiaries yet to be paid. Since I don’t play the lottery, someone I know must have died and left me a ton of money. Of course, from what I know about my dead relatives’ finances, none of them would have left me millions of dollars that I wasn’t aware of. I’m sure my cousins would have seen to that. But who am I to doubt an official email from the Debt Recovery Committee?

Last year, around this same time, I told you about receiving an urgent email plea for assistance from Abbah Abacha, the son of a Nigerian Army General who was an avid reader of my column. He needed my help in securing a $33 million inheritance, but once my wife got wind of it, she put the kibosh on that deal. All they wanted was my bank account information and they would have rewarded me with more than $3 million. Man, I hate her…

But this time, I think it’s legitimate.

It turns out, someone from the shadows has emerged to not only declare me dead, but to claim my fortune in their name. Mrs. Christine Morgan sent the DRC a petition, declaring that I was dead. The nerve! She explained that I died in a plane crash and she was the heir apparent to my fortune. A plane crash? Why so violent? Couldn’t I have just died peacefully in my sleep? Now you know why I have a fear of flying.

According to Mr. George Gordon, I must respond to his email (which for some reason is the email address of “Richard.Currierr22”) within 72 hours or he will assume the petition of Mrs. Morgan is true, and the recovered funds will be released to her. Seems like you would at least need a death certificate, but what do I know? I’m dead.

I must send him my name, address, bank account, mobile phone number and mother’s maiden name. If this were a scam, they would have asked for my social security number, right?

I’m too young to be declared dead, don’t you think? Obviously, Mr. Gordon and the others at the DRC aren’t regular readers of this column or they would know that.

Unfortunately, at my age, I’m not sure how many more opportunities I’ll get to have a few million dollars dropped into my lap. I admit, the Abbah Abacha thing last year was a little fishy, but this is different. I just have to prove I’m not dead and I can collect all of that money. That should be fairly simple, considering I’m truly not dead, don’t you think?
This time, I’m not telling my wife at all. After all, what could possibly go wrong?

Paul DiSclafani, a Massapequa resident, is a 2018 Press Club of Long Island award winning columnist and an Anton Media Group contributor since 2016.

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